Why so serious?

1. Crazy people go to Arts Fac.
2. I am crazy.
--> Therefore what am I doing in Engin??

Sigh, what are the boundaries of foolishness? I like having fun and confusing people's minds. It's almost like playing a game, even if at my own expense. That's the problem, innit? It just so tempting to take things like a joke, even if I sound serious shooting down ideas. I need to reverse this. Being constructive is obviously better for my testimony.

Maybe it's a matter of pride. Normally people will act normal to prevent 'losing face', as it were. I don't care about that. Perhaps I don't care at all about what others think. That could be pride at the other extreme. In that case, I need to find the middle ground.

It's been two months since I lost a key objective. I haven't found any earthly purpose able to motivate me. Maybe there're deep cracks in my psyche; they're showing, and I forsake reality. My confidence is simply shaken, and I pull off 'stunts' to assume mental supremacy. It's not working - all I'm doing is stunning people I shouldn't be offending.

I shouldn't have shut out my heart just because it was irrationally pining away. The past day has only shown me how destructive raw logic can be. Yet the heart is my weakness. I don't dare to let someone in if I can't trust them to take care of it. The rest of me will just be manipulated, intentionally or not.

I hope things will get better once the workload increases. Right now I'm just too free, and I've got a lot of fear. I forget that everyone is starting at about the same level, all I need to do is take things in my stride, and trust the Lord to guide.